maybe the world is not as bad as before.
maybe.

Maybe I´m falling in love.. maybe it would be a good thing.
but there are so many maybes..
I´m afraid of giving my feelings to someone.. there´s not so much left sometimes.

mh.. i´ll wait for friday.. then i´ll decide if it´s worth the risk of losing once more...

if he still wants me then I mean..


I'm the kind to sit up in his room.
Heart sick an' eyes filled up with blue.
I don't know what you've done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.
Oh I wanna do real bad things with you.

*sigh*

i woke up this morning
not knowing for what
opened my eyes
and nothing was lying beside me

i´m feeling absolutely lifeless
though my heart heart is still beating
like this house I´m feeling cold and empty
because the half is missing

how can I be so cold
is that all nothing to me anymore
I´m casting a shadow
i cannot overleap..

my soul is burning
my heart is freezing in between..



still feeling lonely..still craving for so much..too much.
but I´ll get it someday..somehow.
i just need a little bit more patience for healing my body.. and then I´m going to jump back into my life, making everybody insane, just like i did before!

yesterday I read "Dreamfever" again.. I just love the way Mac and Jericho Barrons stalk around each other, longing and knowing it, but still trying to resist.. I could need a Barrons, too.
anyway. I found out that the authors husband created a soundtrack-cd.. I listened to the demos and I´m so possessed of "jericho Rain".. the sad thing is: you can´t get it in germany so it seems.. that´s so.. unfair

I´m feeling empty.. like somebody ripped a part out of me.. leaving a black hole.. and now it begins to swallow the rest of me..
What am I feeling? what is left? Sadness? don´t know if it´s the right word.. don´t know if I find any right words anymore..
I´m on a path, I don´t know.. where will i find myself in the end..
Craving.. the only word i have to describe my feelings..
*sigh*.. just feeling for the lines below..

part of Neil Dover´s "Jericho Rain":

tell me that you can save me and that i'll be okay
tell me that i'll survive this to fight another day
i can't resist you,
take what you want from me
with my defenses naked,
i'll give you everything
but i wont always be here,
down on my hands and knees
with my whole body screaming
please give me what i need
tonight i'm broken but tomorrow is another day
so just come fall down on me,i need that Jericho Rain

I thought you cared for real
I thought that I was good to you,
And made you smile a lot
But this is what I've got
I look around,
And my friend you are gone,
I guess you've been for long

I wish I could say
That if you change you're mind I'm here
That if you call for me, I'm there
If you're hurting, I'll run fast
Forget about the past
I'll be right by your side
Be right by your side
[lene marlin]

Sometimes I think my heart is just there for others to stomp on it and leave the pieces behind..
I know I shouldn´t be sad, because I knew it would come this way.. but it still tastes bitter on my tongue.. before I would´ve just shrugged and made it leave my mind..

but this time it´s a gentle hurting that doesn´t go away... 4 months of wondering, hoping, fearing... now I can be sure.. because now i know for sure that he has no more feelings for me.. but for another one.

Maybe it´s the gently freezing all over my skin.. the icy feeling inside of me.. I think I´m gonna be myself again.. foolish thing to do..to want to change for the love of someone..
foolish..yeah..sounds like me.

I´ll go on just like before.. I put a smile on my face,play my role... maybe there´ll be sunshine for me one day.. who knows.

"Dumb , dumb girl
Can´t you see you´re such a joke
When was the last time your cellphone rang
Babygirl let´s not pretend"
[Lambretta]