Yeah.. finally I´ve met him for real.. and was speechless..
Only looking at him confused the shit out of me.
My heart was beating in my throat and all the time he made me blush.. like I´m the blushing-type.. hardy-harr-harr.
I felt totally safe.. it has been a long time since I felt so.. I was even smiling for real.

I´m definitively falling deeply in love.. and it scares me to hell.. how could this happen to me?

i should not let this happen.. I´m worthless.. and bad for all people around me.. near me..

but it hurts.. I´m longing for him.. I never felt something so strong.. and for someone I only met once..
I´m not the girl, who blushes when a guy make jokes about sex or something like that.. I can fuck in front of others, does not bother me..
I can kiss and fuck without feeling, can say what they want to hear.. smile, when I´m hurting and keep still, even if it breaks me inside..
What happens to me?

Now all I do is crying because i feel helpless with all this feelings..
I shouldn´t come near him..
I shouldn´t want him.
And I shouldn´t want him to want me..

not able to write more