and I'm afraid to lose you
i lie awake and wish you by my side
and then I'm talking to you
i wish you there just to hold you tight

and I would creep and I would die
and I would beg for you like sinners for their life
and I am sad and then I cry and then I cry
time without you is cutting like a knife, cutting like a knife
[Jan Hegenberg-Time without you]


Hey there

yeah..there I am again.. with a heart which begins to be alive again.. slowly melting the ice around.. or so I hope

I´ve just found out how hard it can be to not know how to feel.. so I just broke the walls down inside of me..as far as I could.. and now I´ll find out if I´m able to be ..emotional? loving? I don´t know exactly.. but I know what i want. And that´s what matters.

..but I don´t know how to handle the situation.. am i too bad? too fast? too slow? bitter? sweet?

I´m so afraid of myself..not being enough... I´m happy, but I want to cut myself just to see red blood.. just like everyone else has got.. yeah it looks like everyone else´s blood.. but do i know what´s inside..

god.. bad thougts.. *shooing away*

I just want him to know he´s ..yeah..mine..
but I´m afraid he´ll not believe.. or maybe he doesn´t want it..

I´m confused... just like every day before in the last weeks..

but I´m happy.. so what?